Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im six kinds of drunk right now
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
