I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
