is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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