If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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