I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
