I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
