Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
