Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
