How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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