I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
