the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
