6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize