tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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