WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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