My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
