thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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