There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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