Just fell off a train. Bad.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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