if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
