the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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