Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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