my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
