no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
