Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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