Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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