Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
