Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pooping to opera.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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