he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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