i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
