You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
