Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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