no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
