3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
