in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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