her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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