i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
