mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
