Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
