also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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