chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
