he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
