remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize