Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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