There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
