If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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