I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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