dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize