Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
