do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
