I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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