I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
