she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
