I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
