i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's shark week go big or go home
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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