Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
