just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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